Deeper

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 Slowly drifting into consciousness, the sound of the birds gathering for their morning feast at the feeder outside my bedroom window reaches my ears – so serene.   The dawn, seeping through the slits of the blinds calls to my eyes, encouraging them to flutter open – so beautiful.  Morning has arrived.  With this realization reaching my slumbering brain, an eagerness to get up and meet with God begins to flow through me, awakening my heart and soul, along with my body. 

“What time is it anyway,” I wonder?  Propping myself up on my elbow, I turn my head to look across the room at the clock to find out, but instead of finding the time there, I am greeted with the most awful crunching noise.  Like fingernails on a chalk board awful.  The kind of noise that makes you cringe.  And this was followed by another noise – a scream – my scream, as I’m blinded by instant searing pain driving through my neck, into my right shoulder and arm.

In my mind a million thoughts begin to race: “No, no, no, no, no!  This can’t be happening…
this isn’t happening…this IS happening…this isn’t good.  No, oh God, please no!  Not now.  No.  Not again.”  Realizing I need help, I try to wake my deep sleeping husband lying next to me.  Finding it difficult to even speak, I begin to wonder how I’m going to accomplish this, but I know that I must.  Managing a whisper through the pain, the words “Lord, help me,” escape my lips, then, after what felt like an eternity later, and after several calls to him through clenched teach, he finally awakes in confusion as to what is happening. 

I try to give him an explanation, but the pain is so intense that I find it difficult to even form thoughts.  Tidbits of words making up fragmented sentences is all that comes out, frustrating me as I’m watching my still half-asleep husband desperately trying to figure out what’s going on and how to respond.  In the frantic mess of jumbled communication, the urge to vomit surfaces and takes precedence, forcing the words “I’m going to puke” out of my mouth.  Thinking I’m going to make a run for the bathroom, I stand up, only to be washed over with a wave of dizziness threatening to consume me.  Now feeling like I’m going to vomit and pass out, I sit back down on the bed as my husband scurries to find something in which to catch the mess in if I do indeed get sick.  Just as he returns with a large bowl, I begin gagging, with the only result being even more intense and blinding pain shooting through me.  Then the room begins to fade as the waves of dizziness continue to crash over me now making it difficult to breathe.  I know that I must lie back down, and now!  Desperately clinging onto consciousness, I manage to communicate this to my husband in between shallow breaths and he then helps me to lower back down into a lying position.  Lying there, slowly breathing in and out with my eyes closed, the dizziness begins to lift, and in its place forms the thought of “What now?”…  

This is how my morning began just one Saturday ago.  I was warned….when I signed up for She Speaks, they told me it would happen.  Multiple times, by many different people, and in varying ways, I. Was. Warned.  And yet still, just like when my computer crashed a couple weeks before, I was stunned…caught completely off guard.  I expected and was prepared for the flaming arrows of fear, doubt, comparisons, etc.  Those were a given by an enemy whom I knew must not be all too thrilled with the prospect of me stepping out in faith to follow my dreams – to follow God in what I believe is His will.  But I was not at all prepared for the vicious attacks that were to be.  I was not at all prepared for an all-out war.  Satan wasn’t just shooting a few arrows in hopes of slowing me down or scaring me off my path.  He was aiming to stop me in my tracks.  He was aiming to kill my dreams by killing my hope, and he knew right where to strike.  When my computer crashing didn’t succeed at throwing me completely off course, he aimed again at the one thing that has always succeeded in derailing me in the past – my physical health.

All weekend long, as I waited in pain for Monday to come to get answers from my chiropractor, I struggled with many questions.  Would I be better in time for my trip?  If not, what would I do; how would I get through it?  What if this puts me right back where I was before, facing months and months of endless pain and treatments?  What if this requires more than chiropractic to correct?  What if this leaves more permanent problems and restrictions in my life?  What if I have to stop exercising again after I finally just started making progress?  What if, what if, what if…

I also struggled with my emotions.  I struggled with not allowing discouragement take over once again.  I struggled with frustration and anger – how could God let this happen again and right now?!  I struggled with feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could turn back the time and somehow stop it from happening.  I struggled with keeping the peace in my heart that I had finally just found through months and months of seeking God…but I still clung to hope too – hope that there was a fast and simple fix for whatever had gone wrong in that one fateful moment…but then Monday came, and all hope was nearly swept away.

Upon going to the chiropractor, I learned that the issue with my neck was not just a flare up of old injuries that would quickly go away with a couple of adjustments.  To my surprise and disappointment, it was in fact a whole new injury.  In that one wrong move – that simple turning of my head to read the time on my clock – I had slipped a disc in my neck.  How this could be I couldn’t fathom and the news of it threatened to put me into a tail spin.  The drive home was excruciating.  Not because there was pain in my neck (though there was, and a lot of it), but because I almost let go.  I almost gave in.  I almost let the enemy have his victory…almost. 

Upon that drive home, I realized that I was at a critical juncture in my life.  While at first I had only been able to see one sign, which I’d thought for sure that due to my neck injury read “Road closed ahead:  take detour,” now, as I was drawing nearer, the truth suddenly became clear – it was Satan who was holding that sign and I didn’t have to let this unfortunate turn of events detour me from my dreams and God’s will.  I had a second option that suddenly came into view.  God was holding another sign that I had completely over looked - one that read “Slow: construction zone ahead.” 

You see, God knew that by going to She Speaks I was heading into a zone in my life that would require my reconstruction.  He also recognized that, rather than slowing down and looking to him for directional signs to help navigate me through these changes safely and smoothly, I was becoming more and more anxious and reckless – my thoughts increasing to a speed that were quickly becoming un-manageable to navigate on my own.  Had I not been slowed down by my neck injury, I may not have ever recognized this.  What was Satan’s plan to detour me, ended up completely backfiring on him, for what he intended for harm, God is using for good.  What he intended for destruction, God is using for reconstruction.  What he intended for burying me deep in discouragement and defeat, God is using to drive me deeper – deeper into my faith, deeper into His peace, love and strength – deeper into His will than I may have ever wandered on my own.   
 

“No weapon forged against you will prevail”…declares the LORD. ~Isaiah 54:17

And for that I am eternally thankful. 

In church this morning, we sang the song "Oceans" by Hillsong  With it being the perfect depiction of seeking to dive deeper into God, I wanted to share that with you.  Click on the title to listen along...

 

Are you in a difficult circumstance in your life right now?  Does it appear that there’s a “road closed ahead” sign that’s trying to detour you from where God’s been leading you?  If so, I would like to encourage you to take the time to press deeper into him before you take any detours.  My friends, “God is able to make all grace abound to, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” ~Corinthians 9:8, but you have to make the choice to not detour.  You have to make the choice to continue down that path that is under construction, having full trust in him.  You have to allow God to take you deeper than you've ever wandered.  I pray that you would make that decision today.