#YestoGod

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

            My grip on the steering wheel tightened instinctively when the reality of what lie ahead of me on the highway sank in; the word “perfect” escaping my lips in aggravation just as I brought the car to a halt behind the long line of stopped cars ahead of me on the I-5N interchange.  “Just another lovely commute to work in the wonderful life of Katrina,” I thought to myself letting out a frustrated sigh while putting the car in park.  I knew I’d be here awhile.  I’d been here before…the day before…and the day before that…and the day before that…and yes, the day before that too – pretty much EVERY DAY before that for the Last. Six. Months.  Ugh!

            Since I knew I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I went ahead and shifted the car into neutral and engaged the emergency break so I could at least take advantage of this time to kick back and relax, but before I even finished pulling back the e-break I knew I was kidding myself.  Relax?  Ha!  Who could relax in this state of mind?  I reached over to turn the radio on in an attempt to distract my mind from wandering into all the thoughts and questions I’d been working so hard to avoid all these long months. The attempt was futile however, as the music quickly became inaudible – buried under the thick layers of negative chatter now building in my mind.

            “What was I thinking?  I can’t believe I actually chose this! Why have I devoted every second of my life for the last six years to this job when they don’t even care about me and I can’t stand it anymore?!   I know it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing with my life…I don’t even know who I am anymore.  Who is that in the mirror?  I despise that person staring blankly back at me.  Just look at that smug expression on her face - the pathetic scowl.  That is not a happy person.  That is an ugly person.  That person makes me sick…HOW DID I GET HERE?!”

            The thoughts and questions continued to mount up, threatening to overtake the towering walls around my heart I’d so carefully engineered all my life.  While they had held up to every attack/storm/encounter before, this time they didn’t stand a chance.  Bursting apart under the unbearable pressure of my thoughts, the shattered walls allowed my enclosed feelings to spew forth freely out of my heart for the first time.  Like lava erupting from a volcano, they barreled down on me, threatening to overtake me. 

Fighting just to get a breath of air, I knew I had to get out of the car and now!  But where would I go?  With every fiber of my being, I began to fight this very real urge to jump out and run, but not without a cost.  Feeling trapped in every sense of the word, my whole body began to quake and the tears I’d been holding back burst forth, burning my cheeks as they raced down my face.  Unable to maintain any sense of control now, I began to hit my fists violently on the steering wheel while letting out some pathetic cries in between clenched teeth, not caring by this point that there were people in the cars stacked up all around me, probably staring at me or worse, taking pics or video to upload on the internet of the crazy woman losing it in her car, plain as day for everyone to see.

            After the third pounding on the steering wheel, I sank down slowly into my seat, weeping and wishing that I could melt into it and cease to exist.  “If I can’t get out,” I think to myself, “maybe I could just disappear.”  Barely grasping on now to the last thread of the end of the rope I had been so desperately clinging to all these exhausting years, I finally gave in and decided to let go – let go and admit I can’t do this thing called life on my own.  I needed help...I needed rescue!  And in that moment of sheer desperation I finally turned my cries to God.  Literally, out loud, cried out to Him.  And just as all the negative chatter had mounted moments before, now all my thoughts and words spilled out to God. I laid it all down at his feet – my will, my way – everything, until ultimately, I came to one momentous question and promise: “Lord,” I whispered, head tilted back looking up at the ceiling of my car, “what would you have me do?  Whatever you say to do, I’ll do it.” 

(click here to pin on Pinterest)

Then I sat in the quiet stillness of my car, tears still streaming down my face, waiting for what, I had no idea, but waiting none the less, when suddenly I became re-aware of the fact that the radio was on.  It had been programmed to K-love – a station that had been my one and only refuge from the invading darkness surrounding me all those intolerable previous months.  A voice was coming from it – not singing but talking – telling a story and reading the verse of the day, and amongst that voice I heard another voice.  Not an audible voice, but a clear one none-the-less – one I heard and felt in the depths of my soul – God’s voice saying: “It’s time.  Go and quit today.”

(click here to pin on Pinterest)

Then the song “Brave” by Nichole Nordeman came blasting through the speakers, and just like that the traffic suddenly broke, and I found myself cruising full speed down the freeway, belting out the words: “So long status quo, I think I just let go.  You make me want to be brave – brave.  The way it always was, is no longer good enough.  You make me want to be brave – brave.”  

I never felt so free in my life!

             As much as I like the idea of ending with that happy cliffhanger, I won’t leave you completely in the dark.  I will tell you this little bit – as impossible and utterly crazy as it seemed in comparison to the reality of my world at the time, I did in fact, after 6 compulsive years of pushing for the top of that ladder, go in and quit my job that very day, and as a result my life has radically changed for the better...my heart has radically changed for the better!  It didn’t happen over-night and it hasn’t all been one big easy cake walk for me either, but I have been radically blessed since then in so many ways. 

            If you would’ve told me back then that saying yes to God that day would ultimately lead me to where I am today, I would not have believed you because it was too far off from where I was to even have imagined it.  I simply didn’t believe it was possible to leave my job and live the life I now have as a stay at home mom with a heart in pursuit of God.  But like Lysa TerKeusrt says on pg. 13 of her book "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God: if you are in the thick of living with all that life throws at you and you simply whisper yes, you are equipped.”  This was proven to me to be true that fateful day back in 2005 when I said #YestoGod.  

            Are you feeling trapped in some aspect of your life?  Is your soul longing for something more?  Does your heart need radical intervention?  If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, will you dare to be radically obedient with me right now by declaring out loud the following prayer by Lysa:

(click here to pin on Pinterest)

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” ~2 Corinthians 16:24

 “…where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” ~2 Corinthians 3:17b

“We will never experience the radical blessings God has in store for us without radical obedience.” ~Lysa TerKeurst, “What Happens When Women Say Yes to God” pg. 16