Wednesday, August 7, 2013

#YestoGod

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

            My grip on the steering wheel tightened instinctively when the reality of what lie ahead of me on the highway sank in; the word “perfect” escaping my lips in aggravation just as I brought the car to a halt behind the long line of stopped cars ahead of me on the I-5N interchange.  “Just another lovely commute to work in the wonderful life of Katrina,” I thought to myself letting out a frustrated sigh while putting the car in park.  I knew I’d be here awhile.  I’d been here before…the day before…and the day before that…and the day before that…and yes, the day before that too – pretty much EVERY DAY before that for the Last. Six. Months.  Ugh!

            Since I knew I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I went ahead and shifted the car into neutral and engaged the emergency break so I could at least take advantage of this time to kick back and relax, but before I even finished pulling back the e-break I knew I was kidding myself.  Relax?  Ha!  Who could relax in this state of mind?  I reached over to turn the radio on in an attempt to distract my mind from wandering into all the thoughts and questions I’d been working so hard to avoid all these long months. The attempt was futile however, as the music quickly became inaudible – buried under the thick layers of negative chatter now building in my mind.

            “What was I thinking?  I can’t believe I actually chose this! Why have I devoted every second of my life for the last six years to this job when they don’t even care about me and I can’t stand it anymore?!   I know it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing with my life…I don’t even know who I am anymore.  Who is that in the mirror?  I despise that person staring blankly back at me.  Just look at that smug expression on her face - the pathetic scowl.  That is not a happy person.  That is an ugly person.  That person makes me sick…HOW DID I GET HERE?!”

            The thoughts and questions continued to mount up, threatening to overtake the towering walls around my heart I’d so carefully engineered all my life.  While they had held up to every attack/storm/encounter before, this time they didn’t stand a chance.  Bursting apart under the unbearable pressure of my thoughts, the shattered walls allowed my enclosed feelings to spew forth freely out of my heart for the first time.  Like lava erupting from a volcano, they barreled down on me, threatening to overtake me. 

Fighting just to get a breath of air, I knew I had to get out of the car and now!  But where would I go?  With every fiber of my being, I began to fight this very real urge to jump out and run, but not without a cost.  Feeling trapped in every sense of the word, my whole body began to quake and the tears I’d been holding back burst forth, burning my cheeks as they raced down my face.  Unable to maintain any sense of control now, I began to hit my fists violently on the steering wheel while letting out some pathetic cries in between clenched teeth, not caring by this point that there were people in the cars stacked up all around me, probably staring at me or worse, taking pics or video to upload on the internet of the crazy woman losing it in her car, plain as day for everyone to see.

            After the third pounding on the steering wheel, I sank down slowly into my seat, weeping and wishing that I could melt into it and cease to exist.  “If I can’t get out,” I think to myself, “maybe I could just disappear.”  Barely grasping on now to the last thread of the end of the rope I had been so desperately clinging to all these exhausting years, I finally gave in and decided to let go – let go and admit I can’t do this thing called life on my own.  I needed help...I needed rescue!  And in that moment of sheer desperation I finally turned my cries to God.  Literally, out loud, cried out to Him.  And just as all the negative chatter had mounted moments before, now all my thoughts and words spilled out to God. I laid it all down at his feet – my will, my way – everything, until ultimately, I came to one momentous question and promise: “Lord,” I whispered, head tilted back looking up at the ceiling of my car, “what would you have me do?  Whatever you say to do, I’ll do it.” 
(click here to pin on Pinterest)

Then I sat in the quiet stillness of my car, tears still streaming down my face, waiting for what, I had no idea, but waiting none the less, when suddenly I became re-aware of the fact that the radio was on.  It had been programmed to K-love – a station that had been my one and only refuge from the invading darkness surrounding me all those intolerable previous months.  A voice was coming from it – not singing but talking – telling a story and reading the verse of the day, and amongst that voice I heard another voice.  Not an audible voice, but a clear one none-the-less – one I heard and felt in the depths of my soul – God’s voice saying: “It’s time.  Go and quit today.”

(click here to pin on Pinterest)

Then the song “Brave” by Nichole Nordeman came blasting through the speakers, and just like that the traffic suddenly broke, and I found myself cruising full speed down the freeway, belting out the words: “So long status quo, I think I just let go.  You make me want to be brave – brave.  The way it always was, is no longer good enough.  You make me want to be brave – brave.”  

I never felt so free in my life!


             As much as I like the idea of ending with that happy cliffhanger, I won’t leave you completely in the dark.  I will tell you this little bit – as impossible and utterly crazy as it seemed in comparison to the reality of my world at the time, I did in fact, after 6 compulsive years of pushing for the top of that ladder, go in and quit my job that very day, and as a result my life has radically changed for the better...my heart has radically changed for the better!  It didn’t happen over-night and it hasn’t all been one big easy cake walk for me either, but I have been radically blessed since then in so many ways. 

            If you would’ve told me back then that saying yes to God that day would ultimately lead me to where I am today, I would not have believed you because it was too far off from where I was to even have imagined it.  I simply didn’t believe it was possible to leave my job and live the life I now have as a stay at home mom with a heart in pursuit of God.  But like Lysa TerKeusrt says on pg. 13 of her book "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God: if you are in the thick of living with all that life throws at you and you simply whisper yes, you are equipped.”  This was proven to me to be true that fateful day back in 2005 when I said #YestoGod.  

            Are you feeling trapped in some aspect of your life?  Is your soul longing for something more?  Does your heart need radical intervention?  If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, will you dare to be radically obedient with me right now by declaring out loud the following prayer by Lysa:
(click here to pin on Pinterest)


“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” ~2 Corinthians 16:24

 “…where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” ~2 Corinthians 3:17b
“We will never experience the radical blessings God has in store for us without radical obedience.” ~Lysa TerKeurst, “What Happens When Women Say Yes to God” pg. 16

34 comments:

  1. Katrina this blog post is awesome!!! I was right there in the car with you and hanging onto my seat waiting to hear how it ended. So glad you did two things. #1. Didn't leave me with a cliffhanger ending and #2, you said 'yes' to God!
    I look forward to reading other posts.
    God bless
    Love
    Nicki

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  2. I love hearing stories like this when we obey God, even though we have to be brave, and it works out. So encouraging! Thank you!

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  3. Thanks for sharing, Katrina. Isn't it amazing how God meets us where we are and then lovingly takes us step by step to where He wants us to be? So why is it so hard for us to let go?!

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  4. Your story is so inspiring! Thank you so much for sharing!

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  5. What an amazing testimony as to what God is doing in your life. Yay to saying YES! Blessed!

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  6. We each have a hunger, a thirst for more than what the world gives us! I'm so glad you said #yestoGod!

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  7. What a beautiful testimony to the wonderful God we serve!! So glad you said #YestoGod and thankful you chose to share this with us (and chose not to leave us with a cliffhanger.) :) Thank you for blessing us with this post and sharing your heart. Many Blessings, Melanie (OBS FB Small Group Leader)

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  8. I knew when we sat together at breakfast at She Speaks that you were a woman God had gotten hold of! Thanks for this transparent post and for pointing us to our need to let go and say Yes to God!

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    1. Hello Lisa! Sitting with you that first morning at She Speaks was such a blessing. Thank you for helping me to feel less nervous that day with your warm welcome and thank you for stopping by to read my blog :)

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  9. Thank you for your transparent 'realness'! What an awesome testimony to the Lord. Grace and Peace Romans 15:13

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  10. Loved reading this story, Katrina...praying those words along with you today!

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    1. Hello Angela, thank you for taking some time to check out my blog and provide feedback. So glad you're joining me in the saying yes to God prayer!

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  11. Love Love Love. So glad you are brave!

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  12. Love your post! You make me want to be brave :)

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    1. Thank you Evie. Praying you will be brave in saying yes to God!

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  13. Brave Brave lady! Thank you for saying Yes and then sharing that experience here. There are so many longing to do similar things, I can only imagine. And you're willingness opened up a whole new chapter for God to use you in. Love it and you, girl!

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    1. Hello Missy, you are right - I know so many woman are longing to do the same and are sitting where I was not believing it to be possible. Praying God will use our stories to help provide the courage for more to say #yestoGod.

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  14. Great reminder of how sometimes saying yes to God takes Courage and Bravery!!! And sometimes God is waiting to bless us until we take that step of wild obedience!

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  15. I loved this post! I remember the day I felt God tell me to quit my job and be a SAHM too. It is so amazing when you feel God's push like that. Thank you for sharing. Love, Kara (OBS Team Leader)

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    1. Hi Kara, it definitely is amazing to experience God in that way! Thanks for stopping in and providing support in my #yestoGod journey :)

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  16. Oh, how I love this! I also heard God calling me just over a year ago to quit my job where I was no longer happy and no longer filling the purpose that he had for me. That season of my life was over - it just took me longer than it should have to finally hear his message and say YES to his next plan for my life!

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    1. Hi Beckey, so glad to hear you said yes to! A delayed yes is better than a no :) Praying He blesses your obedience.

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  17. Amazing Katrina! You have been hard at work. I love the aesthetics of this blog, and wow, your writing. You know I know how you feel and I thank God that I am on this journey with you. Thank you for the beautiful pins. I love everything about this blog and admire you very much Sweet Sister. Keep up the AWESOME work.

    Love in Christ,

    Tristine

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    1. Thank you Tristine. I appreciate all your feedback. It's such a pleasure doing OBS with you. You are a blessing!

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  18. Very cool! Happy to read you are happy where you are!

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  19. Thank you for sharing your story with us! Coincidentally, I also felt an impression from God telling me to quit my job in 2005, which I did. My life since that time hasn't been easy, but I truly believe the past eight years have served a special purpose.

    Hugs,
    Bree, OBS Facebook Group Leader

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    1. I didn't realize we quit in the same year Bree. Amazing how God brings about these connections. Obedience does not always ensure an easy road ahead for sure, but like you said, the difficulties we face do serve a purpose. Praying He continues to lead you to that purpose Bree.

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  20. What a wonderful post! Thank you for being so honest!! I can relate exactly how you felt! (((Hugs))) to you!!!!

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  21. Wow Kat! That was amazing! Praise the Lord you said "yes" that day! I can't imagine you as a bitter corporate ladder climber! Great post Katrina!! Love, Sue (OBS Leader)

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    1. Thank you Sue. I can't imagine me as that person anymore either and am so, so glad I don't have to and that chapter has ended. God's faithfulness is amazing!

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  22. Wow Katrina this post kept me glued. It was like I was reading a novel. So glad you heeded God's calling. I remember for years I could not get the courage to retire. I have found it to be easy on this side with none of the things I worried about true. So glad you shared this. Hugs. Debbie W. (OBS Facebook Group Leader)

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    1. Thank you so much Debbie for speaking into my dreams with your comments! Bless you!

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  23. It's obvious that God has hold of your heart and you have said "yes" to Him. Your life has been changed and now you're making it possible for many other people to say "yes." What an encouragement you are to me!

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    1. Hi Cindy, He certainly has been doing a mighty work in my heart. There's still plenty of work to be done, but I feel so blessed with what He has already healed and changed. Thank you for your encouragement :)

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